Breakdown
by Djap
Summary: Robert Lewis x James Hathaway, Hathaway's nearly breaking. Can Lewis help?


BREAKDOWN

A LEWIS FANFICTION

AUTHOR: Djap

LANGUAGE: English, but I'm not a native speaker and I don't have a beta for this story. If you're interested to help, 

PAIRING: DI Robert Lewis x DS James Hathaway

DISCLAIMER: They are not mine. Pity.

DEDICATION: To my mother, who doesn't even like slash. But she likes Lewis and owns the only TV at our house *grin*

RATING: R

SO TAKE A GLASS WINE, LIE BACK AND ENJOY!

YOURS DJAP

*~*~*

Breakdown

a Djap story

*~*~*

*Why the hell did he do that?*

Detective Sergeant James Hathaway was staring at the still form of his boss. At this time of the night the hospital room seemed gloomy and depressing and the ticking of the clock really got on his nerves.

But despite all of this and the fact, that he himself was a patient, Hathaway refused to go to his own room, which would at least have some flowers in it. Instead he was patiently waiting for his Inspector to open his eyes again.

The doctor had told him earlier, that Lewis was out of danger, but he wanted to make sure of that himself. Because as long, as he was concerned about the well-being of his superior officer, he didn't have to think about the last 48 hours of his life. Besides it was his fault, that Lewis was hurt now, and that was only the beginning of his lately sins.

Lewis was on heavy painkillers since he came here because of the various cuts from pieces of the house, which has been destroyed by the bomb. That one bomb, which was meant for him, and for him alone.

He felt awful and really bad about all of this.

Should the explosion of the bomb have been successful in its purpose? Hathaway doesn't know the answer to that question anymore. Did he deserve death? He failed not only once, but twice a friend, who needed his help. So much pain he caused, just because he tried to be someone else. He even trained to be a priest and failed because he couldn't change himself. And now so much people are death because his failure.

Tears of desperation welled up in his eyes, but he couldn't let them fall. He needed help to get through this, and he wasn't sure he could trust enough in his believe to grief with god, like he'd done in the past.

*~*~*

Some time later a deep, rough groan snapped him out of his thoughts and he was instantly up, fighting with his own infusion to hurry at Lewis' side. He nearly dislocated the needle and it hurt like hell, but he ignored the pain, stroking trough the damp hair on Lewis' forehead.

"Sir?"

"Are…?" Though he tried hard to, Lewis couldn't finish the sentence. Hathaway hand's shook, as he reached for the glass of water to let his boss drink a few mouthfuls.

Lewis sighed contently, as he sank back and relaxed a few more seconds, before he opened his eyes again just to look straight in the concerned eyes of his Sergeant.

"Are you alright?"

Hathaway rolled his eyes. He wasn't the one who got hurt by those flying bricks because he usually doesn't use himself as a human shield. Said shield was talking again, before he could even answer the question with the sarcasm it deserved:

"I was worried about you."

"I'm fine." Hathaway snapped. Then he took a deep breath and tried to get his calm back. "Really, I am. The question is: are you alright?"

"Just a little bit sore, that's all."

Lewis took some more gulps of water, then he seemed to realize, that Hathaway wore a hospital gown similar to his own: "Why aren't you sleeping in your own room?"

"Because I wanted to apologize to you, and to thank you, for saving my life."

Lewis blinked at that, then he answered straight away: "I don't believe you."

Instantly Hathaway grew angry: Okay, so what?

"I may have acted as a total idiot, but I'm absolutely able to be sorry for that and apologize to you."

Lewis cringed at his harsh spoken words, but kept his ground and stared him down until Hathaway sat down again, this time cross-armed right on the side of his bed.

"That's not what I meant, Sergeant. I accept your apology, although I have to state one myself. You acted as a total hypocrite, bye the way, not as an idiot. There's a difference. At least it is one to me."

Message sent and understood. Hathaway felt his face grew hot and his mouth felt numb, while his stomach made these awful little jumps. He wasn't used to getting figured out, especially not this oldest of his secrets. There was a time he swore never to mention this to anyone again, but the latest events made him reconsider this decision. So he didn't contradict, but focused on the other remaining question, showing Lewis as much trust as he could at that exact moment. "So what were you talking about then?"

"About you thanking me for saving your life. I don't think, you're really thankful for that."

Hathaway stared at him wide eyed and open mouthed: How could he knew?

"Don't look at me like that. I'm not stupid either, you know. You wanted to get punished for your failure. And I think, you're still thinking that right now."

Lewis gripped his arm astoundingly hard for someone at a hospital:

"Look at me! Everyone makes mistakes. And I may not know much about religion, but what I understand is that your god should be able to forgive you. You're only human and humans do have kind of a tendency to make mistakes."

Hathaway's throat closed up: How long had he longed to hear these words from a priest? Intellectually he knew all this, but he wanted to hear it out loud just once. But instead he got thrown out, even as he swore never to do it again. And then Rodney… but he couldn't think about that, not now, not yet.

Instead he gripped Lewis Hand hard, while the tears began to spill and he started to sob quietly. Time to grieve, at last.

*~*~*

They kept mostly silent trough Hathaway's quiet sobs and spilling tears. Sometimes Lewis whispered some nonsense word and kept stroking his back, to sooth him, but neither of them remembered their actual words. They weren't important then, and that wouldn't change in the future.

Eventually the tears stopped, and the heart clenching grief went , no, not away, but seemed to loosen up. Finally, Hathaway dried his wet face with a wad of toilet paper from the bathroom, before he took again place on the bed.

"Thank you."

Lewis nodded, but looked sceptical.

"You're welcome. Are you better?"

This time, Hathaway nodded, before he tried to stand up again. He was bone tired and he intended to sleep for the rest of the night. But Lewis wasn't finished with him yet:

"Look, before you go, I really want to apologize, too. I'm very sorry, I didn't get it earlier. I mean, all of it. I suspected you being gay right from the beginning, but a good police officer should have been able to see also the rest of it. Once I even wanted to examine your past, but I decided against it. Perhaps, you'll be able to tell me some day, what made you that bitter. I'd really like to know the story to understand you better."

Hathaway started to answer, but Lewis lifted his uninjured hand, making him stop.

"Please, let me finish. This is as difficult for me as for you, believe me. I don't think I'll have the nerve to try it again some other day. What I'm trying to say is…" he swallowed hard, starting new: "I mean… Okay look. I may not be so avers to the idea of us trying it together, as a couple, as you probably think." Now Lewis hands were shaking too, but over his racing heart Hathaway didn't see it.

Hathaway was up again in a second, at first pacing like a caged animal. Then he snarled, suddenly furious again: "I don't want your pity…"

This time Lewis was furious and disrupted his speech, which was surly about to follow.

"Shut up! I'll tell you this again only once, so better keep it in mind: Stop acting stupid, because you aren't and we both know that!"

"What about your wife then?"

"What about her?"

"So you're saying you didn't love her?"

"I loved her with all my heart. And I grieved her for a long time, so I could let her go. I came back because I wanted to get back in life, to stop being lonely."

"Why not take one of these women then? (He didn't say: Why hurt me instead with this suggestion?) You weren't short of offers! If you don't remember: I was there! (He didn't say: And I was so jealous I couldn't think properly anymore!)"

Lewis heard everything, said and unsaid, and then some. So he took a deep breath, counted tree times backward from ten, then he tried as calm as he could: "Because you can't decide matters of the heart with your mind – even if you want to."

Hathaway still looked sceptical but stopped pacing at least, so he continued:

"All these women were beautiful and charming and nice, but they weren't what I wanted. It's not that I didn't try. Believe me I did! I don't want to be alone anymore. But that's not enough. I need more in a relationship."

"And you really think, you could find this "more" you look for in me? Don't be ridiculous!" Hathaway smiled bitter, his eyes still wet, but not weeping anymore.

"Yes, I do." Lewis made a pause, then continued, looking for the right words: "Actually, I don't even know, when it happened exactly. First, I was so occupied with my own feelings, that I didn't recognize yours. Then I kept telling myself, that I was fantasizing and that it was stupid to believe you would want someone so much older than you. I forgot about my own past" he trailed off "…Anyway. You should probably note just for your information, that I have been with men before I met my wife – and my family knew always about my past. My wife did, and I talked about it with both my children."

"And I should believe, that they did understand that just like that? That they didn't condemn you for it?" Hathaway wanted to sound sceptical and angry, but he didn't. Instead he sounded curious and disbelieving. Lewis had to smile at that, before he answered.

"I don't know, why they should. It's about love, and not about conventions, my wife always knew that and we both taught our children."

Hathaway didn't know, what to say to that. Here was his Superior Officer and offered him, everything he wished for, and everything he feared the most in his life at the same time. His head hurt and he was very tired, so he took a deep breath and blinked several times.

Lewis got aware of Hathaway's physical state and was instantly up and beside him.

"We don't have to decide anything right now. Why don't you go back to your room and sleep for a while. Everything seems clearer to me in the morning."

Hathaway nodded and went to his own room without any more words.

*~*~*

When Hathaway awoke, he was sure, that he must have dreamt the whole conversation. A deep feeling of unhappiness washed over him, of grief and of loss. The Lewis in his dreams had been right. Everything was clearer to him now, and he was more that surprised over his own change of mind.

In his dream about the night before he hadn't been able decide between fear and hope. And regarding his past, he would have made every bet, that in the morning his fear would win. But it didn't. He wanted to have a second chance, and he wanted to have this chance with the man he fell for, the first second he saw him. No one got to him like that, no one since Rodney.

This time he didn't stop the tears, and he was vaguely surprised about that. Usually he didn't cry this easy. Only when he had cried shortly before, he was able to weep freely, before his walls were up again.

Right at that moment, someone knocked at his door and didn't wait for him to answer. A nurse opened the door and she helped Lewis to walk straight into the room. Both stopped, as they saw him crying, and after a moment Lewis made the nurse leave while assuring her, that he could handle the situation alone. After she had left and closed the door behind her, Lewis whispered sadly:

"I take it, it's a "no" then."

In a blink of an eye Hathaway was up and kissing him as deeply as he could manage, whispering "Yes. It's a yes!" every time they broke apart for air.

*~*~*

Hathaway was nervous again. He was waiting for Lewis – his new partner and alone thinking about that made him shiver all over in the good and in the bad sense – to get out of the hospital.

He himself had been able to leave two days before and Lewis had been a pain about it every second. He hated being in hospital and only, because Hathaway promised the doctor, that he would take him with him and watch him until he was fully recovered, Lewis could leave at last.

At first he thought it would seem strange, when he would look out for him, but Innocent was really approving of it. And it gave them a perfect excuse to deepen their relationship, without arising any suspicions about it.

There he was and Hathaway hurried to his side to take his bag of clothes for him.

"Ready, Sir?" In public they want to keep their usual manner, even when they started to call each other by their first names in privet.

"Yes, Seargent." Lewis grinned, but Hathaway could still see him shivering too. Lewis was as nervous about this, as him. Strangely, that reassured Hathaway as they started their journey together.

*~*~*

"Do you want a tea, before going to bed?"

They were both sitting on the couch in the living room, watching the credits of the last "Dr. Who" episode. The whole day had been awkward while they were verbally and physically dancing around each other.

But when they settled to watch TV, Lewis couldn't stop commenting, as Hathaway didn't sit with him on the couch. So James finally made a decision an sat directly in Lewis' space, knees and hips touching. He even went that far and put an arm around his shoulder, expecting to be rejected by him, but Lewis just mad a small, contented noise, grinned, put his left hand on Hathaways right knee and kept watching TV, as if nothing had happened.

Now, the film was over, and it was obvious, that Lewis was beat. So Hathaway tried to stand up, to help him settle in the guest room, but Lewis stopped him, by gripping his hand tightly.

Then they kissed and it was as glorious as their first kiss, back in the hospital, although it wasn't that great a kiss in itself. A little sloppy, a little too wet, but promising. They both seemed to live on excitement alone anyway, not on expertise. Besides, the kiss made one thing crystal clear: There would be a lot of time to practise the preferences of each other. They kept kissing for a while, but when Lewis' hand started to explore, Hathaway broke the kiss and pulled away.

James went instantly red, as he felt the questioning stare of his partner.

"You're new to all this, aren't you?"

Hathaway hesitated only a couple of seconds, but then he decided for the truth. At least a part of it. "Not to everything, but basically, yes."

"That's alright, I don't mind."

Lewis stroked his index finger slowly up and down on Hathaway's cheek, until James got the courage to look him in the eyes. "This time I figured that much out. I knew, what I was getting myself into. We have all the time you need, okay?"

Hathaway felt still awkward and weak and stupid, but he nodded and initiated some more kisses. Kisses were good, they were great in fact and they kept kissing a whole lot longer, but this time, Lewis kept his hands mostly for himself. He just hugged James lightly, which was absolutely fine with Hathaway.

*~*~*

After a while Lewis broke the kisses for good, showing, that he wasn't finished discussing yet. He seemed not to know, how to phrase the question exactly, but then he just went with his first idea: "Would you like to sleep with me?"

As he saw his wide-eyed staring Sergeant, Lewis made sure to reassure him: "I don't ask for sex right now, okay? I meant more in the ways of sharing a bed, snoring and stealing sheets."

Hathaway kept looking sceptical, so he tried to explain:

"Look, I hate sleeping alone, I always did. Besides it helps with getting comfortable around each other. I think, that one can learn a lot about one's partner, while sharing the same sleeping place. And… and in my opinion it keeps the nightmares away."

That last argument did it.

*~*~*

Lewis had been right. Hathaway had woken up about half an hour earlier, exhausted and grumpy, but very happy. Since then he had watched the sleeping and snoring form of his partner, while the rays of the sun slowly warmed the room.

Lewis was an excessive cuddler, something Hathaway would never have expected. It was like sleeping with an octopus, who always had an arm or a leg more than oneself to keep their bodies linked. And then the snoring, which could really get on your nerves after a while.

The evening before they had changed in their nightclothes, then got a little awkwardly into bed. While Hathaway had a real great problem with finding sleep, Lewis went out like a light the moment his head touched the pillow. He must have been more exhausted, then he let on.

So Lewis snored, stole his sheets and cuddled like a wrestler, but although it could get on his nerves, it actually made James more comfortable in Robert's personal space.

Perhaps this evening he wouldn't get a panic attack, when they tried some more kissing.

*~*~*

Hathaway was standing outside his flat, shivering violently and inhaling his third or fourth cigarette as if there would be no tomorrow. He acknowledged Lewis arrival only with a sharp nod before Robert stated: "I'm not mad at you."

"But you should be – even although I'm sorry."

"I'd prefer, if you'd tell me, what just happened in there."

"I freaked out. It's stupid…"

"Okay, you are the one with the psychological know-how, but I'm pretty sure, that whatever the problem's is, that it's not stupid. I told you, that I'd stop whenever you want me too, and I'm fairly sure, that you think I'll be able to hold my promise. So it wasn't that."

"Yes, I do believe in your promise. It's me. I'm the problem."

Lewis sighed at that, then he made some steps right into Hathaway's space, took his cigarette out of his mouth and took two deep drags, before giving it back to him.

His Sergeant was again staring at him wide eyed, but he just grinned and kissed him, before explaining: "That way, the taste won't bother me."

Hathaway took two more deep drags, before lightning the next, which was a bad sign.

"What happened, James? Please tell me! That's the only way, we can work at this. Everything seemed fine before – I really don't know, when this went so wrong."

Lewis was right. Again. Everything had been alright. In fact it had been more than alright. After this nights episode of Dr. Who they'd been kissing again, but this time, it was Hathaway who allowed him to start exploring by taking his hand and placing it under his shirt.

Lewis hadn't had to be told twice and after half an hour, they'd both lost their shirts and were exploring the naked skin beneath. Hathaway had been lying on his back, getting lost in Lewis administrations, who just licked his right nipple when it happened.

"It wasn't what you did. It was what you said or more correctly, what you made me aware of my own behaviour by commenting on it."

Lewis thought back, wondering, before he finally asked: "My comment about you being so sensitive and vocal? I didn't try to mock you, or anything, I was perfectly earnest. I really do like it, when my bed partners are so responsive in bed and aren't shy to show it."

Lewis look was full of concern, and he tried to touch Hathaways arm, but his partner shied away.

"I know, that. I know, you were perfectly serious. Really. It's just… it's…" And here he was crying again.

Lewis tried to hug him, and this time, he let him.

"Please, tell me! What is it? I don't like seeing you hurt."

"It's why we got caught. Because I was too loud."

"Who "we"?"

Hathaway was still crying but tried to explain in between his sobs. "Rodney and me. We both… attended the seminary. And… we couldn't stop it. We know, we shouldn't. We knew it was wrong, but…"

Lewis' voice was hard: "It's not wrong. Please, you have to believe me! It doesn't make you a bad person. You're kind and care a lot for other people. You try to protect them from getting hurt and you try to help them, as good as you can. You're a saint, and your choice of the gender of your partner doesn't change anything about that. As long, as you keep loving, there can't be anything wrong about that."

Hathaway broke the hug and tried to dry his cheeks and eyes, looking angry suddenly. But Lewis knew, he wasn't angry at him, so he stood his ground, waiting for the explosion.

"We still got caught. And kicked out. They didn't let us explain. They didn't gave us a second chance to do better. They didn't forgive us and our prayers weren't heard. For all my will trying to help other people, I couldn't save the one I loved: He took his own life, not only breaking one more law of the church, but also leaving me alone in my misery."

They went quiet for a while, not knowing how to comment further on this. Hathaway had lost all his energy and was shivering in the night air again, and Lewis seemed full of concern and understanding. A whole lot of things about his new partner were clearer now.

Finally he said: "Come here!"

And Hathaway went into his arms, letting himself being held and grieved.

*~*~*

It was their last free day before they had to get back to work, and five days after Hathaway's breakdown outside the flat. They had kept on sharing their bed in the night, but after the last incident nothing had happened so far. Only a few kisses, stolen in between cooking or doing the laundry and watching TV.

Hathaway liked that about Lewis. So he really had been serious about getting all the time he wanted. Lewis wasn't as impatient in their relationship as he was at their work and Hathaway was very grateful for that. Instead Robert seemed to be thankful and content for every hug and every kiss, he could get.

Hathaway woke up by force of habit at seven in the morning, what gave him always a lot of time to think, until Lewis woke up. But this morning he tried to get out of bed without waking his partner. He succeeded after 10 minutes of shifting and prodding and went to make breakfast.

*~*~*

When Lewis woke up he looked right in the face of his partner, feeling all warm and contented and as he even got surprised by a deep kiss, he felt in heaven. Then his look fell on the bedside table and a tray with everything for breakfast he liked. He didn't knew what to say, but then he suddenly knew: "If you keep doing that, I might be falling in love with you."

Hathaway smiled at that, knowing, that his words told only half of the truth. There wasn't any falling necessary anymore. So he decided to give his lover a treat. He stood up, making sure, Lewis was looking at him and slowly took off all his clothes.

*~*~*

It was ecstasy and he hadn't known what he was missing by living in celibate. He wasn't able to think anymore, just to feel. His world seemed to have reduced to Robert and his abilities to make him feel good.

Mostly everything his lover did felt great, and he seemed to understand his wishes without needing to be actually told. But perhaps he was telling him enough, just not with words, but sounds. At first, he had tried not to be too vocal, but Robert broke his control faster then the speed of light with a few well placed touches and kisses. And the smile he earned for letting go was so glorious, that he stopped bothering about it.

He just wanted more. His brain seemed to explode, as he watched Robert shift and his mouth wander down, before licking him, and bobbing up and down in his neither regions.

*~*~*

When Hathaway woke up again half an hour later after passing out, he decided to look, how good a pupil he was. There were some new technics, which he wanted to try out. Lewis smiled at that and let him do, whatever he wanted.

*~*~*

Endless end


End file.
